One of the words that became very popular in the 90s is co-dependent. Initially it was used to describe the spouses of chemically dependent people. The term gradually expanded to cover people who let the feelings and actions of another affect them to the degree that they lose control over their own lives.
Co-dependency is primarily applied to women and has a negative connotation. One rarely hears of a man described as co-dependent. Instead a male spouse of an addict who cares for house and home is looked at positively. They get accolades and recognition for the additional work that they are doing. We have a double standard in our society. What is admired in men may be frowned upon in women.
What is it about our society that has encouraged women to become co-dependent? Our culture holds women responsible for managing their families, home, and their jobs. There is little reinforcement to also care for self. Additionally, women are by nature caring about others and willing to do what needs to be done.
Molly had been married to Jeff for 28 years. They both had jobs outside the home but Molly saw herself also as being responsible to make sure the family was functioning. For many years they worked well together, he primarily took care of the house, yard and car maintenance. As Jeff's drinking increased he did less and less at home. Molly took on his tasks also. He was less and less available to the family and began staying away increasingly. Molly made sure that the kids and house were taken care of. Between her job and all she had to do at home Molly took no time for herself. One day her husband told her that he was leaving her. How could that be? She had worked so hard at preserving the outward appearance of a "perfect" marriage. Molly was the kind of person who, from the time she was little, was pleasing others. She was taught not to be selfish. When she was sad or unhappy she pushed it away saying to herself that she should not feel that way. After a while she couldn't even tell what she felt. Denial of her feelings over time blocked them out.
I see the term co-dependency as being applied negatively to women who provide strength and stability to their families. When they label themselves co-dependent they view this as there being something wrong with them. When in reality these are incredibly strong women who need to recognize that it is important to also care for themselves. That means adding a piece rather than having to defend what they have been doing. Labels, like co-dependent, limit people and get in the way of validating their strength. Instead of labels we need to give support to women who take on the responsibility of keeping the family functioning. They also need to hear the positive message that indeed it is all right for them to also care about themselves and to have expectations of others.
This article is taken from the article
Co-Dependent Relationships Burden Women
By Kristina Von Rosenvinge
artwork "He Needs To Get Out More!" by Thomas Fedro
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